he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
