I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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