It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
