At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
