Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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