"it" just moved
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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