In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
