I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
