I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
