This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
