mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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