please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
