My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
