Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
false alarm. still invincible.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize