god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
