i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
