chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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