How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize