he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
