haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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