I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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