I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Where is the hickey?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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