You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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