We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
