Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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