There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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