i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
