Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
