You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
