If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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