I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
