I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
