so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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