I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
