We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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