I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
