did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
