I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
