On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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