Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
