I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
