I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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