Where did you get a picture of my penis
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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