Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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