Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
