Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
