i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
