If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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