Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
