seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
