I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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