meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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