Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
