I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Is Oprah even human
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
