Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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