Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
