Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
