how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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