Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
