yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
