Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i barfeds in our rink
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
