she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
