there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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