Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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