The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
