My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
