she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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